I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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