Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Randomize
