he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
