Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
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