it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
