Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
