I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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