when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Randomize
