R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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