so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
