WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
