My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
