At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
