I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
