she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
