Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
