Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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