she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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