Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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