There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
