this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize