your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
and i looked up. we had an audience...
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
