you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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