chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
