I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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