If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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