im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
