Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
