when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
