I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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