Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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