The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I just gargled with NyQuil
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
