I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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