How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
