If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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