and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
being pregnant is like rehab
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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