I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
