Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
