apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
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