why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
