I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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