It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
