wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Who wears a wallet chain?!
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
