I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
