I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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