We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Randomize
