Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
