My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
