She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
