i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
