Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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