I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
