I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
