The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
nutella sex= disaster
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
