Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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