the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize