God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
