took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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