A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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