I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Your tits are I can't wait for
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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