he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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