Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
