when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
please come you make the beer taste better
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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