she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
