i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
