She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
My life is pants optional.
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