So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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