Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
