this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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