i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Randomize
