you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
