so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
