I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize