Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
