hell yes lets make some ravioli
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize