Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
