No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
