when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
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