You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Randomize
