Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
